dreams, fantasies

My five or ten year plan. Fantasy included.

I’ve always hated that dreaded question, where do you see yourself in five years? I mean doesn’t everyone hate that question? Even in high school I did everything to avoid it. Once for an economics class we had to make a poster of where we saw  ourselves in 10 (or 20 I can’t remember) years. Every single person in class brought a poster with varying photos of  houses, cars, money, children, etc..Except me. I painted a green cardboard poster with the Japanese symbol for peace (or happiness, again, I can’t remember) and I filled in the symbol with different successes I would like to have by then, like self-awareness, enlightenment (I was at least an over achiever), contentment, love, friendships, etc. But nowhere on my poster did I put any photos or ideas for an actual plan. I remember at the time that I simply refused to, and I said that the ideas on the poster represented  my plan of where I wanted to be in the future. Of course I got a 100 because it was brilliant, and no one else thought of it.

But no one questioned me about it. I’m sure they all thought that it was because I was the artsy weird girl in class. After all, the school I went to was very southern and traditional. And a lot of them have acquired what was on their posters.Which is great for them.  But I wanted my goals to be different than that. And I wanted someone to question me so I could rant about how  my poster represented the important things in life, and not materialistic ones.

But really, someone should have just called me on my bullshit.

I didn’t make my poster like everybody else because I didn’t know what to put on it, and I didn’t want to think about it! And I can’t believe it, but I’m still like that. Some say you will never get what you want unless you tell the universe exactly what you want. I think this is so wrong. It’s awesome in theory, but it’s kind of egotistical.

1.) By saying you have the power to make the universe align with your wishes simply because you know what they are is  ridiculous because that’s like saying hey universe, I know you’ve been here for billions of years, but this is what I need for you to make happen for me. 2.) I think the best part of finding out what you truly want is by discovering it along the way.

And I still do want all of those things that I put on my poster. I would rather have love and friendships than anything else. That must be why I can never finish a vision board. Something in me will not let me do it. My insides are like, wait, just be surprised.

On the other hand, I can tell you things I would love to do with my career! But it’s because I don’t have to have an exact plan for them. I just know some steps that I should be working on to get there, but I don’t have to stress about it. I can try for them, but if I don’t create my own hilarious TV show or work with Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill,  and James Franco anytime soon, then it’s not the end of the world.   Who cares? I can  still be happy! (if i force myself)

Then there are things that the little girl inside of me is too shy to admit to want. Like my lifelong desire to actually write and direct movies like Quentin Tarrentino.

But the things I’ve been thinking about lately, the fantasy that I’ve conjured up in my head of the perfect way to spend my time if I could live any way I wished, would be to live  for the fuzzy memoried nights filled with art and conversation; the nights that I would be  surrounded by kindred spirits. Our lives co-mingling in a plane of existence that made us feel like we were truly living in the moment, and that moment mattered the most.

The nights that, although filled with hazy memories,  photographic evidence would later prove that we lived as true artists and wore hats only true artists can wear and whose layered bohemian attire was fashioned not from style, but from necessity, showcasing our ingenuity, originality, and creative spirits. Wine bottles would never be far from our lips; books of literature never far from our hands, and  the ideals of the Lost Generation never far from our minds.

We’d live like the 60’s, dress like the 20’s, and play music from all times.

We’d write parts for ourselves we always wanted to play. We’d recreate the roles we missed out on by being born too late, and we’d  find perfect lovers who would hurt us in all the right ways and leave us, inflicted with the type of emotional pain that one never truly recovers from. Like Hemingway and his nurse, we’ll be forced to learn that some heartbreaks simply become a part of who we are. Scars etched right beneath the surface, staining a once unblemished surface.

Some days the bleak, gray sky would beam in through the windows and sitting at the table we would look like Chekhovian characters. While other days we would look like an imitation of  an absurd dada performance,  complete with nonsensical dialogue.

The worlds we would live in would blur the lines of reality, fiction, sanity, and surrealism.

A fantasy complete with illusions and trickery of the mind, that, like a dream, is not possible to remain both conscious in and lucid for very long.